Choices
by mara-rabb
Summary: With the new year, Mac must decide what is most important in her life
1. Default Chapter

Author's Notes:

I don't own any part of JAG. I am making no money on my little fictions. If you sue me, the only thing I have to offer would be my children (Have you read "The Ransom of Red Chief"?).

Rating: I'm going with PG because of some of the ideas, but I don't expect anything more serious than that.

I tend to start out with the basic idea and then work by the seat of my pants so references to any of the shows are possible.

Feedback - please. Helpful criticism is welcome, but please be kind. I grew up in the Air Force and my husband is in the Army so I'm familiar with the military. I'm not, however, very knowledgeable about the Navy and Marine Corp. Please forgive any errors I make.

Lastly, the first fic I wrote... Old Friends... I looked back at it and I hate the way I ended it too. For the amount of comments I got at the end, I'm not sure anybody else read it. Give me some time to think about what I want to do and I'll see if I can't repair the damage.

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1550 EST

JAG HQ Falls Church, VA

"Sir, I request a transfer out of Falls Church."

"Admiral, I've been with this office for eight years. While I really enjoy the work, I'm ready to live somewhere besides D.C."

"Admiral, I think it's time that I went somewhere else."

*Damn* Mac thought. *It shouldn't be this hard.* She had been mentally rehearsing her request all week and hadn't come any closer to knowing what she was going to say than she had last weekend when she realized that it was time for her to move on. Now it was Friday afternoon, and her requested appointment with the Admiral was in 3 minutes. She squared her shoulders and walked to the Admiral's office.

"Hey, Mac," Harm called out of his office, "got a minute to look at the Ebers Court Martial?"

"I'm on my way to see the Admiral and then I'm taking off for the weekend. We can do it on Monday," she answered, barely breaking stride.

Harm glanced up, surprised and a little annoyed. Usually she would offer to get together over the weekend if there was a trial looming. *Hmph,* Harm snorted as he returned his attention to the file on his desk. *Webb must be in town this weekend.* 

In the Admiral's outer office, PO Coates waved her through the doors. "He's waiting for you ma'am."

Taking a deep breath, Mac entered the lion's den. At least, that's what it felt like. Coming to attention in front of the Admiral's desk, she waited for him to acknowledge her. 

"What can I do for you today, Colonel?" AJ removed his glasses and looked up at her. He never worried when she came into his office. She rarely asked for anything out of the ordinary, and that was only when she was accompanied by the Commander. 

"Sir, I know this is short notice, but I would like to transfer to another post at your earliest convenience."

AJ blinked twice. Waited for her to finish the thought. When nothing was forthcoming he leaned back in his chair. "Is there a reason you feel you need to leave here?" *Damn but I'm going to skin Rabb if he was behind this.*

"Yes, sir. I've been here for 8 years. I have learned a lot working here and serving under your leadership but I think it's time that I moved into my own command." *Boy, that sounded good! Pressure works best I guess.*

"Did you have somewhere specific in mind, Colonel?"

*Maybe it wasn't so great. I don't think he's buying it.* "I was thinking about MCAS Yuma, sir."

"Arizona?" Now he was interested. "What might be in Arizona that is better than here?"

"Just a change of scenery, sir."

The Admiral got up from his chair and made his way around the desk to stand on her left side. Calling up his best drill seargant stance he glared at her. "Are you looking for a place to retire, Colonel?"

"No, sir." Mac kept her eyes straight ahead.

"If you leave here that is exactly what you're doing. You're at the top of your game and in the best place in the service for promotion. Leaving here is asking to be passed over. Tell me again why you want to move?"

"To have my own command, SIR."

AJ backed up a little. She was determined. In the past that had always been in her favor, but right now it was beginning to tick him off.

"What has the Commander done this time?"

"Sir?" *Good grief. He thinks I'm leaving because of some tiff I've had with Harm. Have we been THAT transparent?* "I'm sorry, sir. Commander Rabb has nothing to do with my desire to relocate." *And that's almost the entire truth.*

"Is that your request?" he motioned to the folder clasped in her hand.

"Yes, sir." Mac handed him the file and waited.

"I'll look into it this weekend and see what's available. I'll let you know something early next week. Dismissed." Instead of returning to his desk, AJ walked to the window in the far corner of this office, making her leave with his back to her. 

*At least it wasn't as painful as it could have been, I suppose.* Mac returned to her office to collect her briefcase and cover.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that evening, Mac was sitting on her couch reflecting on the meeting with the Admiral. "It looks like he's going to go along with this. I just hope I can get out without a lot of fuss and explanation." She absently rubbed her abdomen as she thought about whirlwind of events that had brought her to this point.

_Flashback_

_New Years Eve 2003, Midnight_

_Mac sat on her couch watching the ball in Times Square drop. Clay was out with "Mommie Dearest" so she was left to entertain herself. Harriet had invited her to their house but she just wasn't in the mood. She was reflecting on the disaster that had been 2003 and trying to find something better about 2004. The most promising event should have been Baby AJ's 5th birthday. This was the year that she and Harm were supposed to "go halves" on a baby. Somehow that didn't look as promising as it had 4½ years ago. Harm was guardian to Mattie, so he could be classified as "in a relationship" and he seemed to think that she and Clay were an item. Ok, so she hadn't done much to discourage those ideas. After the disaster that was Paraguay she just couldn't seem to find her way back into his life_._ Admittedly with fault on both sides. At least Clay meant she had a date once in a while. She was using him, like she had Mic, the difference was Clay knew it. And was a willing participant._

_*You're not getting any younger, MacKenzie,* she told herself. *If you want to have kids in this lifetime you'd better get off your fanny and do something about it.* With Harm being out of the picture there was no one else that she could envision as a participant. She could adopt. There were children all over the world needing homes. But she questioned the chances that she would be allowed to adopt. She was single, in a dangerous career, and with no family support should she be deployed. She kept coming back to the comment Mic had made about the "do it yourself insemination kit". While the "do it yourself" part was most definitely out of the question, she wondered if she could actually walk into a sperm bank and pick a nameless, faceless donor. It just seemed so... cold._


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: see chapter 1

And do I know how these places work? Nope. Just making it so I would feel comfortable doing it, and in a way that would seem plausible.

Angela B.() - I agree that just asking for command was probably a little ballsy, but to have made LTC, she has already had some level of command (at least in the Army the regular guys run the various shops at the rank of CPT. At LTC they would have command of a Battalion - at least all my husband's CO's have been LTC's). Besides, it gives her something to go to worthy of her rank. I can't make her just somebody's legal weenie. She wasn't really considering doing it herself, but that was what gave her the idea of the sperm bank/fertility clinic. Thanks for your input!!!

Chapter 2__

_Flashback - first week of January 2004 to end of February 2004_

_Mac had made the decision to, at least, call and find out exactly what was involved when one wanted a baby but had no male assistance available. Then she'd talked herself into actually making the trip into the center. It was much less daunting than she had originally thought. The entrance and the waiting room looked like any other doctor's office. They gave her the general paperwork, but behind that was the legal documentation necessary for the donor search and the insemination. Once she had returned the clipboard, she was escorted into a small room. In it was a computer, printer and a telephone. The nurse showed her the instructions on using the software and explained how to print. She could stay as long as she liked. If she made a choice, today, the donor information needed to be printed for her records and they would schedule an appointment with the doctor._

_Mac sat down, glanced over the instruction one more time to familiarize herself with the program. She elected to search by profession and typed in "military". She was surprised to see that there were over one hundred donors who claimed to belong to one of the services. She tried to search by Marine Corps, but apparently it didn't get that specific. She returned to her original search and began to page through the "advertisements". After the first dozen she realized that many of these must have been from young soldiers preparing for the trip to Iraq. The descriptions they gave seemed to come straight out of a high school novel. A bad one. While she didn't fault the young men for hoping to procreate, she was more interested in someone a little older and more mature. Then she saw one that tweaked her interest:_

_Military, 37 years old. Graduated from US Naval Academy. Intelligent, fun loving, easy personality. No current relationships. Eyes: Blue. Hair: Brown._

_*Wow!* Mac thought, *that could almost be Harm. But he most certainly would have listed that he was a pilot and a lawyer. Right age... Maybe...* She hit the print button. During the next hour she found three more similar entries. They covered an age span of 35 - 40, one claimed to be a doctor, one a chaplain. The last one was a pilot - claimed he flew BlackHawk's. The one that kept drawing her attention, however, was the USNA graduate. Even though she knew it wasn't Harm (this just didn't seem like his thing), she'd never know for sure._

_Mac forced herself to walk out of the room, up to the receptionist and turn in the printout. The receptionist smiled and opened the appointment book to the following week. "I'm so glad you found one, Ms. MacKenzie. Let me see if we can set up an appointment for you... It looks like we've got an opening with Dr. Conklin on Thursday at 11:00. Will that work for you?"_

_Mac walked out of the clinic wondering exactly what she was getting herself into. No one seemed surprised or judgmental. No one was curious why she wanted to do it this way. The acceptance was incredible. She realized that it was just part of the job for them, but it made her feel much more secure in her choices._

_The appointment with the doctor was a little more uncomfortable. Dr. Sandra Conklin sat with her for a long time explaining the necessary tests, medical procedures and time schedules necessary in order to make the process work. Mac soon realized that it was much more involved that she had originally imagined. Regular blood work, daily hormone shots to boost her egg production, tracking her cycles religiously... Dr. Conklin warned her that it could easily become overwhelming. Did she have any support? "No," Mac had told her, "I'm in between relationships right now and there really isn't anybody I would want to burden with this."_

_"No girl friends to talk to?"_

_*Oh, yeah. Can you see me talking to Harriet about this? All of JAG would know about it before Staff Call.* "Not really."_

_Dr. Conklin handed her a business card. "We have a group of people who have gone through this process who volunteer their time to answer questions and give moral support. If you get overwhelmed and need someone to talk to, call this number and you'll be connected with somebody who can reassure you. The hormone shots can make you moody and irritable and this can take several attempts so it's all to easy to get discouraged if you don't become pregnant immediately. It helps to talk." Mac took the card and tucked it into her purse. She couldn't share her feelings with her friends, she certainly couldn't do it with a total stranger. _

_They completed the physical exam, the pelvic exam, took more blood than Mac knew she had (A/N: Vampires are alive and well and working in ob/gyn's offices!), and showed her how to give herself the hormone shots in the top of her thigh. She was given a bag of ovulation kits and instructed that when it gave a positive result, she was to get herself into the clinic for insemination._

_As she was getting ready to leave, Dr. Conklin looked at her gravely. "You do realize that we are beginning to realize that women as early as their 30's can begin to have difficulties becoming pregnant?" Mac nodded. She had seen a report on that subject just a few weeks before. It was what had started her thinking about her chances of having children if she waited for true love. "We used to think," Dr. Conklin continued, "that women could pick and choose when they wanted to have babies, but there seems to be a significant number of women between 35 and 40 who are already past their reproductive time."_

_It took four tries before she got the magic phone call. "Ms. MacKenzie, this Amanda from the fertility clinic," *the perky blonde from the reception desk,* Mac recalled. "Congratulations - you have a positive pregnancy test. Can you come in tomorrow morning to see Dr. Conklin?"_

  


TBC... (sorry I omitted this on the last one - I'm sure there will be much more before I get done with this saga)


End file.
